Heaven Knows I'm Miserable

Shay's life told in story form. Her musings, thoughts, friends, sex, trying to find her place in this world

Location: college town, south, United States

Monday, August 22, 2005

a mess

I feel completely a mess and at a loss. I hate work, I hate the goody two shoes girl I have to work with, she is just so irritating.
Always talking about her boy friend and where they go and where they've been.
Enough all ready I am sick of it.
Macy totally ingnores me at work.
I feel like a complete idiot there.
I hate my clothes
I hate my nose.
She will look at me during the day and lick her lips, she does it for meaness,

Brad is the highlight of my day.
He came and took me to lunch again today,
He's sweet. He brought sandwichs in a actual wicker basket and we went across to street to the graveyard.
It is old and I like the stone bench by the Mitchell tombstone. There is a tree there and the branches almost touch the top of the bench.
People may think we are strange, but we enjoy it.
I like the feel of the wind blowing in the trees and through my hair and how it tosses his hair.
Cemetery gates

Thursday, August 18, 2005

his words

I am so tired these days with work, it is so boring, I never knew before how grown adults can act such like children on a elementary playground. They fuss and fight, whistle and sang everyday, it is such a stressful environment.
Macy told me that she wanted to come over tonight.
I want her to, even with her ignoring me. She is so beautiful. everything about her her skin and hair, her touch.
Sure I want her to come, I like having sex with her.
but I don't consider myself a lesbian, that isn't even in my vocabulary.
but the last few times I have had sex with a man I absolutely hated it, but I have to consider the person, they were total dicks just out for themselves with no thoughts of me.

Brad called me last night he is going on a date Friday with a new girl, everytime he tells me that the green monster rises up in me. I hate it.
it is so strange sometimes in the middle of the day I will just have these images of him making love to me, his smile, his face, his words, above all his words, but I have never made love to him.
I guess I am in love with his words.
tell me more.

Tuesday, August 16, 2005

to create to create.

sometimes i feel past creating. I don't know where to start or where to end.
Brad has been spending time with me this week. He took me to a bistro, we sat outside and I took my foot out of my sandal and let it touch the brick walk.

he smiles at me and talks, it doesn't have to matter what the subject is, he just has to smile, it warms my heart.

i have felt down the last few days, Macy totally ignores me at work, she acts like we barely know one another,

I think I am through with her just like I was through with Danny, she treats me the same almost as he did.
At least she made me feel alive for awhile.
I am so tired of that.
but brad is different, he held my hand as we walked through the botanical gardens.
I acutally wore a lilac sun dress, i colored my hair a light reddish brown,

i love brad, I can say it here, I don't know any of you. He only has a year and a half of school left, I don't know what I am going to do when he is gone.

I can't force myself to tell him how I feel.
I kissed his cheek today. I wanted to be in his strong arms and stay forever, but I didn't

Wednesday, August 10, 2005

I'm still here, have a lapse into bulimia for a period, but I think I have it under control, at least I think.
last night I slept with Macy, she came over, I love the way her body feels next to mine. She knows what I like and doesn't hesitate about it.
no one knows about us yet, I think Brad suspects but he doesn't reallly know.
I had a fun day yesterday, Brad came and picked me up and took me to the muesum. i like old things, I like art, I don't usually express that too much, but I do.
He still hasn't done away with his whores, but I am glad that he is back now,
I'm happy at the moment
Trish is coming over tomorrow, oh joy,

Monday, June 27, 2005


my voice is scratchy, i stayed up to late smoking and drinking.
i have to stop, but I'm not ready to yet.
I hated everything today until 3 when Brad called, his cheerfull voice breaking through the darkness.
how I miss him.
He told me he was almost finished helping his mother close up her summer house.

She is going to sell it after 40 years. they have been putting a lot in storage and selling the rest.

He told me that he found me a torquoise blue 60's ashtray that matches my orange one
he was going to bring to me.

and oh yes he had to mention the local girls,

May, an "old friend" from school had been "going to the pizza hut and catching a few movies"

How I envy May. spending her summer being happy.

I think I could be happy if I would let myself, it is just the letting I need to find.

Macy came last night. she's intelligent, she keeps a girl across town, and a guy in the city.

She told me she had to see me to escape their drama. What I thought, I think you are going in the wrong direction to escape drama.

I dreamed last night, I was in a house, there was a husband there and some little kids, mine I don't know, but everyone was screamming, but a fog surrounded them.
Out of the fog came a hand and attached to the
hand was Brad, he reached out to me and said I'm here, come with me, it's ok.

It's okay I keep telling myself, it's okay.

the sun will come up tomorrow, or it won't

kiss my neck macy

save me brad

is it raining?

Sunday, June 26, 2005


I forgot a new avenue I am venturing into, well really not so new,
I met a girl a few weeks ago, Macy, we really are in tune with one another,
she is a few years older and works in advertising at the paper,
we went to a club the other night, the music, the vodka, the smoke, the sweat,
She isn't so freaked out all of the time like I am but
I like being around her. she has it together
brad would really raise his eyebrows, but for the time, I'm just having fun.

I like the touch of her lips.

my hair is still black

back to life

I'm back I suppose,
Back, I really wasn't never gone, just didn't have a computer, that's embarrassing.

I'm alone now, I like being alone.
I have moved to the east side of town, I like it just a small duplex that was built in the 40s for army families.

I like the thoughts of ghosts roaming the halls at night.
I can see some girl waiting for her husband to return from the war, or getting the news that he had been killed, and she goes into the white bathroom and takes a blade from his razor and runs a bath of tepid water, wipes the tears from her eyes, gets into the bath and she says, "Tony I miss you" and then she slices her wrists, the pain of it she didn't quite expect, but its nice in a way she holds up one of her arms and watches the blood spill onto the white tile.

I miss him too, Brad. He isn't here this summer, he calls me once a week. but i haven't seen him, It is hard for me to be without him.
I do admit to myself, myself only that I love him.
I don't know why I can't admit it to anyone else, not even to him.

I even miss Danny and that is a fluke. I see him every once in awhile, he's always wasted with some whore hanging on his waist. He has been on the road all summer playing with his band.

I have a new job typesetting at a local paper, i set and type and set and type all day. I can't wait for it to get 5pm each day so I can come home and be alone.

I miss Brad

Thursday, July 08, 2004

I'm Free!!!!!!!!

I broke up with Danny, just couldn't stand his drama anymore, never working, wasted all the time, cheating on me(the worst), plus I simply hate to see a lazy guy sitting around doing nothing.

I kept the phone unplugged for two days. It was good for some silence. I called into work and told them I was sick. Brad came and beat on my door twice but I didn't let him in. I have decided I am just going to be single for awhile. But I think I will move into a smaller place.

Trish's weekend with Jason was a bust. He just wanted her there to f*** her, like I knew, but she had to learn it for herself. He won't even return her calls.

I think I will go out with Brad and his friends Saturday. As much as I complain about them, I really don't know what I would do without them. They are going to a few clubs. Might be fun.

I am listening to Melissa Ethridge now, that is the mood that I am in.

It's nice to be alone, it really is, really.